


A light i can't turn off

by givebackmylifecas



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: (mentioned) - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Episode Related, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Sort Of, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:27:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25964341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givebackmylifecas/pseuds/givebackmylifecas
Summary: Rafael’s voice is what makes him look up. “I suppose you would have acted differently to Hype, Detective? You would have admitted it in court?”“Of course, I would have,” Sonny says, trying for nonchalant and failing miserably. “Having a trans-partner is nothing to be ashamed of and if it were me, it never would have been a secret in the first place.”Trans!Barba AU with established Barisi... sort of related to s18e6 Broken Rhymes
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 101





	A light i can't turn off

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first barisi/svu fic so i hope it's okay and not too ooc...
> 
> TWs for mentioned canon-typical violence, referenced transphobia (no slurs)
> 
> Fic title from 'poem for your leaving' by karese burrows

It’s been a long day – a long couple of weeks – and usually, most of the time, Sonny can keep himself under control. He can ignore the cases that hit a little too close to home, the ones that get under his skin. He can keep any rage or sadness he feels locked up until he’s away from work. Until he’s drinking with Rollins, or in confession, or at home with Rafael.

But today? After that entire shit-show of a case, he can’t stay quiet when they get back to the squadroom after the verdict.

“I just can’t believe him,” Sonny fumes when Liv disappears into her office with Rafael.

Rollins looks up from her paperwork. “What?”

“That guy, Hype! He sat up there and he lied about why he killed Cash,” he says, throwing himself into his chair.

“At least he’s in prison,” Rollins reasons. “He did murder Cash after all.”

Sonny shakes his head. “What about Eva? Where’s the justice for her?”

“Cash is dead,” Fin chimes in. “That’s some pretty sweet justice, isn’t it?”

“No, it’s not. He should have been dragged through a trial too, been charged with everything Barba could throw at him, found guilty and properly punished for what he did,” Sonny insists, trying to ignore the look Rollins and Fin exchange.

“Carisi, I know it’s not a perfect situation, but everyone who deserves it is either dead or imprisoned,” Rollins says.

Sonny looks up at her. “Yeah? And what about Eva? She deserved better. She deserved to have been able to live without being beaten, assaulted, and killed. But you know what else? She deserved to have that coward get up there and admit to the court and the entire world that he loved her, that she was loved, and he killed Cash because he took her away.”

Rollins and Fin are staring at him, like he’s crazy, like he’s overreacting, like everything that happened today was perfectly fine.

His hands are shaking and he’s suddenly aware that no one else in the squad room is speaking, because he had been shouting.

“I uh,” he stammers, unsure how to explain. “I’m going to go get a soda.”

He pushes away from his desk, moving on unsteady legs towards the breakroom. If he turns his head he knows he’d see Liv and Rafael, stripped down to his shirtsleeves and suspenders, sitting in her office. He knows them well enough to suspect there’s probably some alcohol being shared, some subjects being broached that Sonny and the others would never be confided in about.

He doesn’t look, because if he looks, if he sees Rafael, he won’t be able to look away. Not if he’s shed his jacket and waistcoat and loosened his tie and rolled up his sleeves. Not if he’s sitting there looking vulnerable in a way he allows very few people to see him.

Sonny knows that Rafael is comfortable with himself, with who he is. He knows Liv loves Rafael, knows things about him it took Sonny months to learn, to be entrusted with. Knows when Rafael finally, finally, took off that armour and let Sonny in, let him see everything about him, it had cost him courage Sonny knows he’d never have had himself.

It’s not a secret, that Rafael used to be different. That he was born with a different name, to a mother who had always wanted a girl, with a body that was never the one he needed. It’s not a secret because Liv knows, and Sonny knows, and Rita definitely knows, and he’s fairly sure the DA knows too. It’s not a secret, but the squad doesn’t know, but Rafael isn’t out. Because he hasn’t deemed it necessary, because it shouldn’t matter, because Sonny knows that as brave, as fearless as the ADA is, there’s a part of him that’s afraid of the backlash, of the bigots, of the media, of having everything taken from him.

Sonny leans his forehead against the cold metal of the vending machine and tries to calm himself. He’s fine, Rafael is fine, the whole squad is fine, but he’s been on edge since he first went to check on the victim in hospital. Since he listened to Fin trying to relate to Hype and calling Eva a “dude in a dress”. Since he listened to the vile slurs that made up the lyrics on Hype's album. Since Liv told him about the transphobic mother whose daughter helped identify Cash. Since he once again had it rubbed in his face how poorly the world treats those it deems different.

He takes a moment to pull himself together, thinks of Rafael at home when he’s soft and lounging in the sweats that he stole from Sonny and has to roll up because they’re much to long for him, thinks of Liv’s face and how happy she was when they disclosed their relationship to her, thinks of Rafael arguing with Rita for a solid hour because he was defending Fordham law and Sonny’s choice to go there.

He breathes, he shoves in a couple dollars for a soda in the machine, grabs the cold can and smooths his hair back, before returning to his desk.

Liv and Rafael – back in his waistcoat and jacket – are talking to Fin, their backs to Sonny as he sits down. Rollins eyes him as he cracks his soda.

“You feeling better now, Carisi?” she asks, her tone cold but Sonny knows she’s worried.

He nods and Rafael turns, the slightly questioning quirk of his lips letting Sonny know that he heard Rollins and is concerned. Sonny ignores him, but unfortunately Liv also seems to pick up on something.

“What’s going on, Carisi?” she asks, frowning at him.

He shakes his head. “Nothing.”

“Nothing?” Fin scoffs. “That’s what you call that little rant just now?”

“Rant?” Rafael repeats. “You didn’t treat them all to your speech on the legalities of the fifth amendment, did you?”

He’s trying to make light of the situation, to deflect from the actual upset that Sonny knows he can see. Unfortunately for Sonny, it doesn’t work.

“No, he was talking about Hype. Called him a coward for not admitting that he cared about Eva,” Rollins says, straightforward as always.

Sonny sighs, looking down at his desk.

“Did he?” Liv doesn’t sound disapproving, but Sonny keeps his eyes on the scratched surface in front of him anyway.

Rafael’s voice is what makes him look up. “I suppose you would have acted differently to Hype, Detective? You would have admitted it in court?”

Rafael is looking at him with one of those smiles that Sonny took far too long to learn how to spot, but now can’t help but hope for whenever he looks at his partner.

“Of course, I would have,” Sonny says, trying for nonchalant and failing miserably. “Having a trans-partner is nothing to be ashamed of and if it were me, it never would have been a secret in the first place.”

He knows that was probably a little too intense, too specific, too much for a conversation with his colleagues, but Rafael is staring at him like he did right before he kissed Sonny the first time and Liv is smiling. Rollins has narrowed her eyes as if she’s trying to figure something out and Fin just looks confused, so Sonny takes a long drink of his soda to avoid making eye contact with any of them. He probably shouldn’t have got the drink in the first place, he can’t handle the caffeine this late, something Rafael finds implausibly funny - probably because he himself can't function without about seven cups of coffee in his system. It’s definitely not going to stop his hands from shaking, that’s for sure.

He looks up again when Liv calls his name. “Sorry, Lieu, what was that?”

She’s got that look on her face, the one that reminds him of his mother and also weirdly a little bit of Rafael. The look that says she loves him but she’s exasperated.

“I was just saying it’s been a long day, Carisi, you should head home, get some rest.”

“Oh, nah… I’ve got paperwork and stuff,” he tries but she shakes her head.

“It’s nothing that can’t wait. Now go home, I’m not asking, Detective.”

He flashes her a smile and nods. “Right, thanks Lieu. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He gets to his feet and pulls on his jacket, smiling at Rollins when she grumbles about him having all the luck. Rafael dawdles, talking to Liv, and when Sonny is ready to go, conveniently so is he.

“I’ll walk out with you, Detective,” he says and Sonny smiles.

It’s not unusual, no one ever says anything about the time the two of them spend together, although sometimes Sonny wonders if Rollins suspects that the two of them are more than friendly colleagues.

Rafael doesn’t say anything until they’re in the lift.

“I have to go and collect some files from my office, but we can go home after that?”

Sonny frowns. “Already?”

When he looks at Rafael, Sonny can see the corner of his mouth is pulled up into a half-smile. “Yeah, already. Unless you have other plans.”

“No,” Sonny says, too quickly, too loudly. “No, I want to… I want you to come home now. It’s been… it’s been a hell of a week, huh?”

“Yeah it has.”

There’s silence and Rafael reaches out to squeeze Sonny’s hand. Just for a moment, until the lift doors open, but it’s enough. Grounding, reassuring, just what he needs – something Rafael has always been scarily good at figuring out.

They don’t say anything else on their way over to Rafael’s office. Sonny stays outside and talks to Carmen while Rafael gathers his stuff and she gives him a knowing look when he yawns more than once during their conversation

Rafael’s apartment is closer and by the time they climb out of their Uber and walk into his building, Sonny feels dead on his feet, like all the fight has drained out of him. Rafael doesn’t say a word, just takes Sonny by the hand and keeps their fingers tightly entwined until they’re in the apartment, door firmly locked behind them.

Sonny sighs and shrugs out of his jacket, watching as Rafael does the same. It’s his favourite part of the day, watching him undress and he doesn’t even mean that in a pervy way. It’s just the ultimate display of trust, of comfort, a signal that they’re well and truly home. He remembers when Rafael had first told him, first shown him his frighteningly large array of suits. How Rafael had spoken without inflection, quickly, as if afraid Sonny was going to run as he explained how the jackets have padding in the shoulders to lend definition, clever tailoring to make his hips look slimmer, his waist less defined.

Sonny likes the suits, he does. They’re a part of Rafael, they help identify him as ADA Barba – fearless and clever and righteous. But he likes Rafael like this too, stripping haphazardly out of his suit before he’s even made it to the bedroom, changing into comfortable clothes that aren’t his own but that Sonny is never getting back. This is what makes him Sonny’s Rafi instead of the ADA Barba everyone else gets to demand things of and stare at in a courtroom or on the news.

Sonny follows Rafael into the bedroom and changes too, like he does every night. What’s different now is that Rafael doesn’t immediately return to the living room to finish off whatever work he brought home with him. This evening, he sprawls across the bed on his back, arms open, as if waiting for Sonny to crawl right into them.

Sonny’s never been good at taking hints, but this is as big a hint as Rafael will ever give him, so once he’s changed into shorts and the Harvard jumper he stole from Rafael, he joins him on the bed. It’s easy, familiar, the way his head settles onto Rafael’s chest, the way Sonny’s arm finds its way across his waist, the way their legs tangle together and Rafael’s chin rests on the top of Sonny’s head.

Sonny noses at his neck, breathes him in, the same cologne Rafael has worn since they first met, the one that haunted him while he was till longing for what he was certain he could never have. Rafael makes a noise that sounds like he knows exactly what Sonny is doing – he probably does – and strokes a hand down the length of Sonny’s back.

“Did you mean it?” he asks and Sonny frowns against his neck.

“Huh?”

Rafael sighs, the sort of sound that used to make Sonny feel like dreck under his shoe, but now he knows is usually directed more at Rafael himself. “What you said earlier, about admitting it… if you were Hype.”

Rafael keeps rubbing his hand along Sonny’s back, but Sonny can tell by the tone of his voice that he’s uncomfortable, unsure.

“I’m sorry, Rafi,” he says and Rafael tenses. Sonny pulls away just enough to be able to look him in the eye. “I’m sorry you feel like you have to ask that. Because I guess it means I’ve not been doing a good enough job of showing you, proving to you that there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. Go ahead and call me cheesy, but I love you and I’ve never been ashamed of you or of us.”

Rafael blinks, face unreadable, then he groans. “I hate it when you do that, you’re so fucking sincere.”

“Really, that’s how you’re gonna react when I tell you I love you?” Sonny teases and Rafael rolls his eyes.

“Don’t act like this was a big surprise declaration,” Rafael grumbles. “The first time you told me you loved me, it’s because I gave you one of my old notebooks from law school.”

“It had your bar study notes in it!”

“Yes, but you’d already passed the bar,” Rafael reminds him and Sonny laughs.

“Hey, don’t be mean, you head the Lieu, I’ve had a tough couple weeks,” he says.

Rafael sighs again. “She said you’d had a long day, actually.”

“Irrelevant, counsellor,” Sonny quips and Rafael pinches his side.

“Behave,” he chastises, but he immediately softens, pressing a kissing Sonny briefly. “But I know this case wasn’t easy on you.”

“Or you,” Sonny adds.

“On either of us,” Rafael allows after a moment. “And I know why. But Eva was loved by many people, whether those people wanted to admit it to the world or not. And you and I have each other.”

“Yeah, and if you wanted, I’d tell every newspaper, radio and TV station in the country.”

Rafael snorts. “I doubt they’d be interested, even though one of us is a Manhattan ADA.”

“The point being,” Sonny continues. “I would never hide what we have, or deny it, not unless you wanted me to, Rafi.”

“I don’t – want you to that is,” Rafael says. “So… you can tell the squad about us dating, if you want.”

Sonny shrugs. “I don’t have to. Liv knows, that’s what’s important. I honestly don’t know how Amanda hasn’t noticed.”

Rafael mutters something decidedly not complimentary about Rollins’ detective skills under his breath and Sonny laughs.

“Be nice,” he scolds half-heartedly.

“I’m always nice. But I was serious, you can tell them if you want, or just… stop trying so hard not to let them know.”

Sonny puts his head back on Rafael’s chest. “I like the second option better… Let’s see how long it takes them to figure it out, once I stop trying to keep us on the down low.”

He feels Rafael press a kiss to his head. “Not long, I’m sure,” Rafael mutters into Sonny’s hair. “You’re really not that subtle, baby.”

“I can be subtle!” Sonny protests.

Rafael laughs. “Then why did your mother know before we told her?”

Sonny tries to come up with a good answer, but fails. “Shut up,” he mutters eventually.

“Good response, should I try using that in court?”

Sonny groans even as Rafael continues to laugh. Eventually, just as Sonny is considering taking a nap, he kisses Sonny’s cheek and mumbles an ‘I love you too’. It’s just loud enough for Sonny to hear, which is really as loud as it needs to be.

**Author's Note:**

> leave a comment/kudos if you didn't hate this? or scream at me on tumblr ([@hefellfordean](https://hefellfordean.tumblr.com)) or twitter ([@angstypalermo](https://twitter.com/angstypalermo))


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